there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
