My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
It was confusing and full of hummus
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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