Is it normal to miss your booty call?
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
