Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
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