Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Randomize
