As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
it's like heaven, but drunker
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
