So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
that's gum
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
