dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I haven't been this sober since birth.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Randomize
