Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Randomize
