I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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