I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
i came on her dog
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
