i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
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