roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
