Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
