If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
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