having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
