Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
