My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
