Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
