Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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