me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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