I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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