Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
so how does one go about finding a summer fling?
take advantage of an intern
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
