Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
