he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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