my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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