You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
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