my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
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