I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
