she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize