I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
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