I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
