There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Randomize
