Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Randomize
