apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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