the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
