I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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