Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Randomize