i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
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