all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
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