This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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