Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize