Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
