some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Are my feet made of real feet?
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Randomize