ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
