K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
