It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
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