using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
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