I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
