as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
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