Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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