atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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