Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
