I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
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