Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
I accidentally burped into my bong.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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